im not holding it back

i was thinking about starting a private blog because i cant share my feelings on here. but screw it. im going to say whats been on my mind for a while, and i honestly don't care what people think about it anymore. this is MY blog. take it or leave it, i seriously don't care.

im almost excited for this summer to end. it was never as  much fun as i had imagined it would be. it was good at first, and i had some great memories. but everything changed. i didn't have any of those amazing summer nights like i had dreamed of. maybe i had a few, but nothing compared to the summer of 2009. maybe i did fall in like with a boy for the first time in years, and i finally let myself open up. but i see the close of me and the mister coming with each day. im worried that we don't stand a chance once school and hunting season comes. im sad to see it ending, but i will live and kolt will forever be a friend of mine. whether were dating or not. this is not the end of us. i had a lot of big plans this summer, but most of them fell through. it doesn't help that most of my friends blew me off this summer. i miss being spontaneous. it seems like everyone has to make plans now days. what ever happened to the texts that said "come over." now everything is, "well i have plans tonight but we can hang out another night." why cant i just join? am i really that bad? well, its too late now because summer is over. im glad to kiss this summer goodbye. i miss the days where me and shannon were both single. now everything revolves around a boy. you know, im so sick of everything revolving around boys. and im so dang sick of everyone and their dog talking about getting married. were in high school, the thought of marriage shouldn't even cross your mind. im tired of people planning out their weddings like its going to happen tomorrow. what ever happened to people planning a future for themselves and being stable first? i swear girls just set themselves up to fall in "love" and get hurt, like every boy they meet is the one and only. once you stop looking for the "perfect man" he will show up. the more you go looking for him, the harder it will be to find him. just sit back, and enjoy high school and stop thinking about marriage and babies like its the only thing that matters. i am honestly so glad that school is starting. i have internships to look forward too and big decisions to make for my future. i get to decide what college im going to, and move the heck away from this town. i get to make new friends, and see new faces. speaking of friends, ive about had it with all the criticism i get for being friends with my ex boyfriend josh. yes, he is my ex. im sorry that no one can possibly be friends with their exes anymore. but josh happens to be one of my dearest friends. just because we are friends DOESN'T mean we like each other in any way, or are going to hook back up. get over it.

im so sick of this summer. as much as i hate school, it would be better than this. the only good thing that has happened was probably disneyland, and meeting kolton. this summer was a dud. i am in dyer need of some friends, and a new environment. im so sick of the same people, the same drama. i feel like i could do so much, but this town is holding me back. pleasant grove, i love you, but im so sick of you. i just feel like everyone here is so engulfed in the idea of love and boys. get out and enjoy the world. sure its nice to have a boy by your side, but you don't always need a boy to hold your hand while you make decisions. i know were all strong girls, so why do we all rely on love like its the cure to everything?

im not mad. these are just things that have been crawling in my mind for a while, i had to get them out.


Batash said...

You should be able to express yourself on your blog. That's what it's there for. It's dumb that people can give you so much crap for that huh?
Summer has sucked for me this year too and I'm in the exact same boat.
I hope your senior year is amazing, and I like what you said about looking forward to big decisions. Do what you want to and life will take you where you need to go. Marriage will come when it needs to.

melia said...

thanks ashlee (: you just made my day.

mardiiiii said...

Aaaaaaah. You are my hero. You said everything in my mind that I want so sure if I could or knew how to say. I agree with you wholeheartedly. Seriously. And be my friend this next year. We will have fun. Who needs guys. Not us. I loooove you miss melia.