8.10.2012

the story i never told.

when i was just fifteen years old, i found the cowboy of my dreams. i was unbelievably happy and i was in love. we planned our whole lives out. he was older than me, and he could provide for me. he had 2 steady jobs and treated me like royalty. i saw stars and completely ignored my parents caution. as a fifteen year old, i felt loved, something i felt from no one else. he was the first guy to give me the time of day. we had our perfect little life. we planned everything out just right for our future. i was going to move out the day i was 18 and marry that boy, i was determined. winter came, and our relationship turned cold just like the weather. i was completely and utterly heartbroken. crushed.

things obviously didn't turn out how we wanted. almost 4 years have passed, and my life is nothing how i planned. due to that relationship, i didn't get much of a high school experience. i hated those 3 years. they were awful, and i dreaded every single day. i sat at home on the weekends more often than not. i wasted 3 years of my life, always hoping for better days in the future. i have no one to blame but me. i couldn't escape my problems, and i sat and wished my days away. i couldn't undo what was done, and i needed a new slate.

i knew college was my re-start. i would move away to where no one knew me, and i could be whoever i wanted to be. i wouldn't have to tell any of  those people my past and i could start everything over again. they would only know what i told them. college was my only escape, and i couldn't wait to leave. i was 15 years old when i knew i had to leave this town.

fast forward to now. i am moving in 8 days. i still don't have very many friends but that's okay. i keep the ones i have close to my heart. my ex boyfriend from years ago is now one of my dearest friends. i still hang out with his sweet mother often. my feelings of this town never changed. as much as i love it, i don't have any opportunities here. i swore when i was 15 that i'd move, so that is what im doing.

i know that lately i have sounded sad about moving, and its true. the closer it gets, the more i don't want to move. i've gotten really cold feet lately and honestly, i just want to stay here forever with the people i love. this town has shaped me into the person i am today, and im so sad to leave it. i'm still going to move, because its always been what i've wanted. i know its what is best for me. the only option that i have left, i need to start my life sometime and its obviously not starting here. i am so scared, but i am going to be strong and go through with it. i really hate change, but im going to tough it out. this next little while is going to be hard. college is going to be hard. living on my own is going to be hard. but i am going to do it, because its what i've always wanted. im scared, but i will be okay. as much as it hurts me to leave, it needs to be done. cowgirl up.


p.s. what you read is the condensed version. 

No comments: